I've been having trouble saying what I mean. It's so frustrating. You can see the reactions people are giving and gauge every misunderstand you're putting across.

I found out yesterday that no one in my family, outside of some distant-to-me cousins, has graduated from college.

My problem with communication is hindering my ability to write. I know that I have songs and stories but I can only get so far. The jumble and mess of being in a house with 4 other people makes this a constant chore. I can barely hear myself think in my room. I can feel myself breaking apart.

I need to make myself alive. I live in the past and future when relatively the only controlled period is now. There's no argument or really even reason to mention that fact. Coming to grips with the other perceptions and areas of control in my life is proving to be so difficult. I'm trying to make myself selfless. I want to be able to only receive signals and respond to what others are seeing, due to an insensitivity that i've recognized in myself. I feel like keeping things to myself and only thinking of what I think is killing my connection with my life.

Unfortunately, I think being raised in a guilt-ridden environment doesn't help much. I don't want to feel like some dying explosion, burning less and less as time goes. Absorbing less and slowly growing darker and colder...

It feels that way, but I think it's just because new things are on the horizon. In the face of change, while I cower and become brittle on the inside, I adapt and become more myself.

been listening to:
Vic Chesnutt
Thee Silver Mt. Zion....
Miles Davis(first-retirement era stuff)
Lloyd Miller
Barn Owl
Spacemen 3
Sleep