His hide is stretched and charred on the edges
pebbles for knuckles
and when he's weak he coughs up the darkest obsidian shades of oil

You have to gnaw on the wood to whittle a tongue
The splinters will keep your words short
Your blisters will silence you

twenty-three

Last month was my birthday. On my birthday I was greeted with breakfast at work, some recognition via desk decoration and a cake baked by one of my roommates when I got home. Along with much needed company.

The day itself had some hollow moments that were a little too glaring to ignore. This isn't anything new, I suppose.

Lately I've missed my family quite a bit. My father currently lives near the Pacific rim with my little brother. My mother is quite busy with her new position that requires tons of travel. And even when she is home, in Dallas which is only a 4 hour drive or so, I don't have a car to make the trek. I'm not sure what it is but sometimes there is just this overwhelming feeling of loss when talking to the people you grew up under. Like there's no more building and you have to take what you can get for any growth as a person.

I've been playing a lot of guitar. And since I actually did get that steel kick, I've been playing drums more and more. It's hard to be in the daily grind but the sun is out less and the wind blows so I don't feel as trapped. Stress at work combined with little to no time to myself has been a jading experience. I'm working my way out of it but it's like trying to crawl out of a muddy ditch. Every time you reach you just pull more down on top of you.

Enough personal talk though. Let's talk records I've been listening to.

Natural Snow Buildings - Shadow Kingdom

Disc 1: http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?0uzdtiucyjm

Disc 2: http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?nflyozyyjny

Organic drone duo from france. They create atmospheres like no other. This is new and their first proper LP. It's a 3-LP. Here is a mediafire of the cd version.

Steven R. Smith - Cities

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?tyy0uynkwyd

One of my favorite guitarists in recent times. Very dissonant, like a score to a void. Lots of brilliant instrumentation and dynamics. This is his most recent release.

Also been jamming:

Spiritualized - Abbey Rd EP

Bill Frisell - Disfarmer

Slayer - Hell Awaits

Venom - Welcome to Hell

Eyehategod - Dopesick

Barn Owl - bridge to the clouds

stay healthy

Nossa Bova

It's been over a year since I've written in this.

Here's what's happened:

Living situation:
-stayed in Austin
-Lived in a cheap house on the east side with no a/c, a faulty foundation and right next to the railroad tracks. Sean and Greg(Odhinn) lived with us until about January and then broke lease and moved out. We had one more roommate until about June. Moved out last weekend.
-Currently live in a house on the Northeast side with Fat Zack, Braden, Bill Money and Mike McHale. It's the shit.

Work:
-Have worked up to being an Eligibility Clerk at Boon-Chapman. It's a third-party administrator for health insurance. It's a steady job with alright pay.
-Currently looking for supplemental income, but haven't figured out what I can do around here quite yet.

Extra-Curricular:
-Joined Hatred Surge, a powerviolence band originally started by Alex Hughes. Used to be just him but he asked Ulsh and I to play on the first LP. We just got back from supporting that LP, and I'm very happy to be on it. This is the band I get pissed and play fast in.
-Odhinn disbanded a little while before Sean and Greg moved out.
-Started Sungod with Braden. A lot of Odhinn's sound transferred over(moreso the improvisation element)..but basically it's a two-piece noisy psych-rock band. That's the band I lose myself in.
-Have been writing more in screenplay format. Nothing too exciting, in my opinion, but I've been working on it.
-Currently seeking out stainless steel drum shells
-Currently picking up guitar again in a serious way, thanks to FZ

Lovelife:
-Not much to report. Have "seen/dated" some different girls in and around Austin but nothing serious. Usually just a few dates or hanging out spread out over the course of a few months. Doesn't look like much is going to change on that. Still don't really know what I want whatsoever. I guess that never changes, though.


What with having to re-assemble my life after tour last year and take responsibility as far as paying bills and not living on couches; I've had to simplify my priorities quite a bit. There is a steady climb in my self-control over my own angry and anxious nature. Being on the road recently has put more in perspective. I wasn't scared of coming home. That could be attributed to me actually having a home to come back to this time, I'm guessing.

My only problems lately lie in the expectations of others, rather than any of my own. So these are not real problems except in their minds. I feel like people make it a point to be unhappy if they don't know all the details. More and more my peers get wrapped up in what they think should be happening in their lives. While one obviously should have goals, the lack of patience and the act of spreading oneself thin seems to really effect one's soul. At the end of the day the only thoughts they ponder are how to be prepared for tomorrow. Being sure to step over all of your conceived problems, fast-tracking to your own last days with the final product steadily in mind.

I've been under the impression that, if I work towards this picture in my head of where I'd like to end up..who I want to be, I end up missing out on everything that's not pictured. Trapped in that frame of mind, so to speak. Simply put, I am able to relax a lot more now with this attitude. I try not to let my ego control me.

Heavy rotation in the past few weeks:



More later.

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cold as hell

me taking pictures
snow in syracuse
show picture from boston
sleeping in albany
street at night in albany
basement show in syracuse

breakfast served up right in albany

Leaving in a week

this is a piece of my skull that was torn out.



this is where i slept while in austin.


this is what i've been listening to

I'm back
it was an incredibly important thing to get away for that long. Some things didn't go as planned,but good came from it. we sounded better than ever, i saw more places than i cared to(but without the shitty ones,the spectacular ones wouldn't be as such), and i think i can honestly say the dudes in the band are my friends now.

above is like 1 of......12 pictures i took. all bad, all within three days out of 7 weeks....that is a long damn time man. It has been decided that next year we are venturing to europe,recording,among other things that i've dreamed about doing.(i've recorded just nothing with the likes of kurt ballou,i mean jesus fucking christ)

so i come back to you texas...naked, in my room, listening to a 1.5 gig carepackage of music delivered by my friend braden. two days before i move to the almighty austin to become employed,and enjoy my time off whilst bettering myself in ways that i've already decided.

tonight i saw my whole family and it seems more and more that they are concerned with seeming happy than actually doing so for themselves...i guess that's either me getting older and happier, or it actually happening.

i have about 13 pounds of laundry to do, all soaked in sweat and black. tomorrow i have to go sort out my passport, buy new clothes to work in(and just wear in general..i have no winter clothes that fit), and pack my things for the journey on sunday.

i will be living with my friend matt needles. one of a handful of dudes in texas that i can truly say that i connect with on more than just one shallow level. it's exciting, i would probably choose him as a room mate, but he is nice enough to extend his living room to me nearly free of charge. perhaps he is lonely and in need of a real dude.

i am already itching to find out what the band is going to do next. it feels so powerful and amazing to be delved deep into a blinding collision of intensity and sound. the days that i felt it, i really felt it, and there were many.

i strive to be nothing more than a name on a memorial wall of contributors to the noise against relaxation and recreational music.

"chill music"
"music to sleep to"

suck my dick if that's what you want music for. if it doesn't excite every single sense of you, it's not worth listening to.

also i have a girlfriend.

out

In about one week's time i'll be heading out on the road from San Antonio for about two months. That is a long time, my chops will improve greatly, i will lose weight from malnutrition, i will make better friends with those in the van and around the U.S., and I will go broke. I will pee in bottles, i will masturbate in public restrooms that i find clean, I will not see a familiar face sans band, I will probably watch magnolia and blade runner about 20 times.

It's more than exciting, it's the life anyone should live for their passion.

Of course doing so makes me wonder about other aspects of my life...finances,education, women....let's go through each for a second.

finances..i have no savings. i have no money whatsoever. i was barely able to scrape together enough to eat for the next two months and even then it might not be enough. my car almost got repossessed, i owe the state of Texas for four speeding tickets, i've sold pretty much everything i have of wordly value besides what i use at home to keep myself entertained and not going out....But with finances it's usually correctable....so naturally i'm not worried about my debt.

education? you can always go to school but i really don't want to be taking basics still when i'm 24...but really...to travel the world and do what i'm best at in front of complete strangers for money...really just seems a lot more important when you're idealistic about the arts, like myself.

women...haven't tried to date a girl in about a year, and it was like 6 months before her...i really just...don't care...although it's starting to feel like time to pursue someone. Should i though? It's so much trouble, i won't be really..STATIONARY for the next two months,and who even knows during the next year. Not to mention i think i've been striving to make myself more unattractive by telling whatever jokes i want, acting like a nerd, and just wearing whatever is folded on my floor..i'd really have to try i guess.

see ya in a various amount of days america.